


Just Holding On For Tonight

by allison_rhianne_kent88



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Angst, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Period-Typical Homophobia, Pining, Pre-Captain America: The First Avenger, Pre-Serum Steve Rogers, Pre-War
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-31
Updated: 2015-07-31
Packaged: 2018-04-12 06:06:13
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 533
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4468202
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/allison_rhianne_kent88/pseuds/allison_rhianne_kent88
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kind of a songfic? Bucky Barnes internally struggling to repress his attraction to Steve. <br/>Based off of Chandelier by Sia.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Just Holding On For Tonight

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first post XD  
> Basically I'm too weak to do the whole Song Shuffle Challenge, but I did shuffle my music and list the first few songs and made myself write fic on them.  
> Unbeta'd. How do you even get it beta'd? How do you beta someone else's work? Oh well.

It was a sickness. Bucky disgusted himself. That was, if he let himself think about it. He couldn’t allow himself to even consider it, because that meant giving in, being sick, and dealing with the fallout. He would never be like one of those men down by the waterfront, standing around, waiting for someone else equally as disturbed to find him. 

So he threw himself into the dancing scene. Bouncing curls, painted lips, high heels, and whirling skirts would save him. He would swing to the hot music, losing himself in the party of it all. And the girls loved it. He was always ringing doorbells and making phone calls to the lovely ladies of Brooklyn, going out to the ballroom and planning on a good time. But the waltzes nearly killed him. That 1-2-3, 1-2-3 a clock ticking like a threat. And undoubtedly the girl of the evening would press closer to him as they stepped in that monotonous box over and over until he thought he would burst and finally, sweet release, the music would stop and his partner would clap in glee, and perhaps then he could excuse himself to get them both some punch. 

After they danced more, Bucky would guide her with a hand at her back away from the laughing carefree revelers and walk her home. There she would call him a gentleman and press a kiss to his cheek and shyly smile as she slipped inside the door. And Bucky would meander his way home, forcing himself not to think of anything but her. One night she had beautiful hands to hold, but the fingers weren’t slender enough, couldn’t guide a charcoal across a page or wrap around – NO. Another night she’d be blonde, but it was too ashy or curled to shine as golden as – NO. And if she had blue eyes they were wrong. And if she was short or thin or if she coughed or anything he would jump to another feature, but it was never right.

Reaching his door, he clambered inside, not bothering to waste the time or money of turning off the lights. Instead a lone streetlamp cast a dim light in through the cracks of those damned striped curtains, giving him light enough to crawl under the covers. He sat against the wall with his legs tucked into bed and closed his eyes, breathing deeply. He wouldn’t look down and to his right to see the slumbering form producing tiny snuffling snores. He wouldn’t glance at that bed across the room for anything in the world, just to avoid seeing its occupant.

And there was the shame. Tears pricked at his closed eyes and he squeezed them further shut, not daring to wipe the droplets because that would mean acknowledging the truth of their existence. They dried on his face and neck after smudging through that smear of red lipstick just above his jaw, destroying that one bit of proof that he wasn’t sick.  
So he would wait until morning light, eventually slipping into sleep with the drone of 1-2-3 haunting him and the need to hold on for tonight encouraging dreams to get him out of painful reality.


End file.
